


it's just that it's delicate.

by commonemergency



Category: Dan Howell - Fandom, Phan, Phil Lester - Fandom, dan and phil, dan howell/phil lester - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-16
Updated: 2016-05-16
Packaged: 2018-06-08 18:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6868234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>2012 was never the best year for Dan, though one night completely derails him and causes him to storm out in a rush with Phil following close behind which leads to a lot of walking and a revelation that the two chose each other regardless of their broken state.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's just that it's delicate.

**Author's Note:**

> this came to be because i was watching a lot of 2012 phan and my heart was aching and look at how far they've come now. there's some angst but i never like leaving it on an angsty note so there's resolution in the end. (:

**i.**

affection never came easy for Dan. he thinks this has to do with the fact that he wasn’t held much as a child, his parents had their own agendas, and though every now and then he would steal a hug from his parents it wasn’t all the time and he had grown used to the fact that affection just wasn’t his thing. it’s not that it made him necessarily uncomfortable, he just wasn’t used to it. whenever he had girlfriends it was a learning process and it was probably why half of them didn’t really work out other than one, and they were together for three years but that didn’t mean it didn’t come with difficulty. he wouldn’t give in too much or trust that much, and Dan was finding that the problem wasn’t just the affection and intimacy- because anyone could fuck someone, it was getting to actually peel that layer off and see who Dan really was beneath all of the bravado that he had put on.

he had a lot of issues, Dan knew that he did. if it wasn’t the lack of affection it was the lack of being close emotionally. though it was odd – Dan was one of the nicest people you’d ever met, though something changed when he took a gap year and then college, it was like he was figuring out who he was which made sense, but he didn’t entirely like who he was and he didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life.

meeting Phil Lester changed everything.

people can say all they want about online friendships, but once you connect with someone, it’s like all those missing pieces you once had in your life start to come together and everything else fades away. it sucked that they were so far away, the skype calls were about as close as they could get to actually being there. there were many times where Dan’s hands started to shake over the Skype sessions, he would drum them against the top of his desk while Phil was explaining something that Dan was desperately trying to keep up with but Phil was so passionate about it he couldn’t quite keep up with it, but he smiled anyway.

and when they met it was even better than faulty cameras online or conversations over the phone or paragraphs of text messages, the feeling of Phil’s arms wrapped around Dan was enough to almost make him cry. because for so long Dan had lacked that true feeling of affection and validation that he needed but Phil was always someone who just by a smile could make you feel like you were the best goddamn thing on this earth, and it wasn’t because of what he said or what he did – it was because of who he is as a person. Dan couldn’t explain it to his friends back at home, though he always talked about Phil in such high regards he knew that it probably annoyed people, no one understood the deep level of love that the two had for each other, whether it was romantic or not, he knew that they were soulmates.

yet, somewhere down the road things would shift.

**ii.**

Dan can feel the anger pulsating off of him, this time he doesn’t even know why he’s angry other than he is. he was fine all day until he remembered everything that had happened and he needs to cool off. taking a deep breath he grabs his jumper and pulls it over his head and grabs his phone and keys and starts marching out the door with such pace it makes Phil curious.

they’re not talking much, every now and then they’ll laugh at something someone did but it’s normally awkward and brushed off as if it were nothing and Dan quickly exits the room and there’s a deep level of guilt that he feels every time he does.

_you’re hurting him, he thinks._

_i know._

he’s out the door now and the cool London hair hits him and he takes a deep breath, but then he hears the door behind him again and he looks over to see Phil, staring at him like a deer in the headlights.

“what are you doing?” Phil asks, wanting to get closer but knowing that the distance that they’re at now is good enough. even though no one on the internet is watching, Phil knows by now that any closer it’ll make him uncomfortable, and he knows why, and he won’t ever tell Dan how much it really fucking hurts but that’s not who he is. so he gives him space even though all he wants to do is just hold his hand.

“i don’t know, Phil,” he sounds almost annoyed, when he huffs you can see tiny clouds leave his mouth, and then it disappears into oblivion. it’s too bloody cold out here, he should have grabbed another jacket.

“then come back inside,” Phil says like it’s the most obvious solution- which it is, but he knows Dan too well that he’s not going to listen to him.

“i’m fine,” Dan doesn’t snap when he says this, but his voice is faulty and it gives it away that he really isn’t fine. _God what the fuck am I doing?_ he thinks to himself, after weeks and months of not really saying or doing much together it hits him. he has no idea what he’s doing, his life has no real sense of direction, he can’t even look at his best friend in the face without quickly looking away, he can’t remember the last time he had a proper meal or sleep, or the last time he hugged someone, which he knows he could use, but the fact of hugging Phil, and giving in to everything he wants to say or do, it’s too much, and pushing people away has always been what Dan is good at, that way, no one really gets hurt, and if they do it won’t matter that much because by the point Dan pushes them to the brink they’d already be done with him. In fact, Dan is waiting for Phil to just give up and make Dan pack his bags and live somewhere else and whatever they were finally be over with.

it’s easier for him to think like that because that’s how it’s always been. ever since he could remember people have just given up because Dan was too complicated to get to know, he was quick to love and hate. and he hated everything about himself, it kept him up at night thinking of every single thing he had done wrong. he should have finished school, he shouldn’t have dropped out, he shouldn’t have done this or that – and it plagues him until he’s pent up at this point of frustration to where he’s standing outside of the apartment with his best friend looking at him like he still saw the sun moon and stars in him.

and that was a perfect representation of the two of them – Dan was the moon, and Phil was the entire galaxy. at least to Dan. he had never met someone who was like Phil.

“fine, i’m coming with you,” Phil says, interrupting Dan’s train of thought.

“i don’t want you to,” Dan says, shivering, turning his back from Phil and beginning to walk away from him. London was still very much awake and alive.

Phil is walking in pace with him and Dan knows that once Phil sets his mind to something, he won’t give up. And the thought is both comforting but at the same time terrifying.

**iii.**

they’ve been walking in silence for what feels like hours. the boys are both frozen like popsicle sticks, unprepared for the cold weather that was upon them, yet they haven’t turned around and they really don’t know where they’re going but they’re far off from home. Dan is too stubborn to turn around and Phil is too determined to just let Dan walk away from him again like it was nothing, but he was trying to prove a point, that no matter how far Dan tried to go, Phil would always be there.

because Dan would never know that he saved Phil’s life. in some of the most darkest moments after his friend passing away, and after months of questioning his own life, thinking about the reality of death, came this little sliver of hope over the horizon and that was…. _Dan._ and it made him think of why he was ever worried in the first place, because he was certain that he’d never learn to open up to anyone like that ever again. contrary to popular belief – as much as Phil wanted to believe he was light and vast colour in people’s lives, he often saw the world in grays, but Dan had brought that colour and spark back in his life and he was grateful, but after everything that had gone down this year it seemed like he was back to the dull gray again, and he was afraid that if they didn’t try and get over it, it’d be here to stay.

so, as they walk through the carved streets of London, Phil is determined, that no matter how dark or how scary this gets, he’d be here for Dan, and he wouldn’t leave despite everything inside of him telling him to.

and that’s always the tricky thing about love, once you let it in, and once you love someone, it’s finding a balance, because loving someone too much puts a person in great risk of losing themselves, you can be a light all you want in someone’s life but eventually you’ll burn out. sometimes, it’s just too much. they were both just too much.

“when i was a kid i used to think that the moon followed me,” Phil says, breaking the silence, “and the stars were following the moon because it was the God of the galaxy, and they were his loyal servants,” he says, kicking a rock, pursuing his lips, “i didn’t really understand that the entirety of the moon, and how big it actually was. when Martyn explained it to me it made me cry,” Phil laughs, rubbing the back of his neck out of nervousness.

“yeah? why?” Dan’s voice is hoarse, he doesn’t understand the point of the story but he lets Phil talk regardless.

“i think it just ruined my idea of the moon- that it was this mystical thing that us humans have yet to understand. i thought i knew this big secret that no one else knew about,” Phil’s imagination was something that was vibrant and rare, and in a way it was a coping mechanism.

“what does that have to do with anything, Phil?” he doesn’t ask this in a mean way, the way he says it as if he is giving up. he’s tired of this, his wall is up too high but he’s so goddamn tired of it.

Phil thinks before continuing on, “i guess what i’m trying to say is, i still believe that the moon is this incredible thing that we’ll never really know about. we only see it at night, not many really appreciate it aside from the stars, they get to spend these several amount of hours with the moon- they know it better than we do, and that’s kind of a cool concept. it’s a beautiful misunderstood entity,” he clenches his own jaw before letting out a small sigh, “like you,”

not many appreciate Dan because they don’t really know him, other than Phil. when they were just online the way he spoke about Dan was something similar to the story he told him, how the stars worshipped the moon because it really was a great and beautiful thing. because Dan this past year went away for a while, at least mentally, and hadn’t really been back. he was just a vacant sign, existing just enough to get through life.

Dan doesn’t say anything but he gets what Phil is saying, and it’s too much for him to handle, because he doesn’t deserve the cleverly hidden compliments that Phil gives him, he doesn’t deserve to know how parts of Phil’s brain works, yet for some reason Phil chose him. and he didn’t have to.

**iv.**

“i’m sorry,” Dan knows that the words are not enough. he has so much to apologize for, but it’s early in the morning, and though their feet hurt, and they’re tired- but if Dan didn’t say it he’d regret it.

when Phil hears it he looks at Dan and he doesn’t say anything but a small smile slowly makes it’s way to his lips, because he knows that they have a long road to get to where they used to be, and they may never get to that point again, _but maybe it’ll be better._

Dan had been holding in so much grief and anger in for so long he felt like he couldn’t breathe, but he kept on thinking that Phil chose him. out of all the people that Phil could have chosen to love or pick as a best friend- he chose him, and that had to count for something.

Phil takes a deep breath before looking down at their hands, over the course of the few hours that they had spent walking their distance had slowly gotten to a point to where they were side by side, and Phil reaches out and intertwines their hands, and Dan can’t help but flinch at first, but with a deep breath, he gives Phil’s hand a squeeze, because affection never came easy for him, yet this moment, with Phil’s hand in his own, and the year that they had, and the pushing Phil away, to the anger and the grief that they both felt, this single moment, Dan felt like he could finally breathe again.

“can we go home now?” Phil asks, and Dan can’t help but laugh.

“we can go home now.”

**v.**

despite everything Dan had thought or everything that he did it’s been years now, and when he thinks about it he always refers back to the story of the moon, and he always seems to peek out his window and just sit there and watch it for a while, because it was a strong and steady thing that never seems to waver or move – and he thinks that Phil has had it all wrong. Dan was never the moon- it had always been Phil, because even though it only comes out when it’s dark, it’s always been a source of light to guide weary travelers their way back home.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos/comments welcomed! 
> 
> i plan on actually making an extremely domestic!phan fanfic soon. 
> 
> it'll be pretty cute.


End file.
